Healing
by Niry Krane
Summary: It's three months after Tidus died, and Yuna is suffering. She's falling deeper and deeper into darkness, and thinks that no one knows what she went through watching her beloved jump to his death. Yuna's POV. Dedicated to Sakura Bontecou Kobayashi.


_**A/N**__: I was looking at the profile of my friend Sakura Bontecou Kobayashi, (read her, she's excellent) and I saw that she had written a Naruto Fanfiction. Personally, I tried watching Naruto, and it bored me to tears. First episode, as the credits rolled, I turned it off. It just couldn't catch me. But as I read Sakura's fiction, it completely ensnared me. I loved it. So I decided to write something dedicated to my good friend Sakura, a story for her (Yes, you, Sakura!). Thanks for writing that fanfiction, Sakura! I'll try to watch Naruto again, thanks to you!_

_

* * *

_Healing

"Yunie!" Rikku's voice reached my ears and I stopped what I was doing immediately. I knew that whenever Rikku calls me Yunie, she's either teasing me, goofing off, drunk, or needs my help with something. What I was doing happened to be writing a long, long letter to the man I loved.

The man who no longer existed.

The man who jumped away from us all. Away from me.

Tidus.

I knew he wouldn't ever get it, but it felt so much better to let out all of my pent-up feelings. Rikku and them wouldn't understand.

"What is it?" I folded and sat on top of the letter as she approached. They were on the beach, in the mid afternoon sun. The cool water lapped at Yuna's ankles, and the sun was hot on her short brown hair. "What do you need me for this time?"

"We're going to the city!" Rikku exalted.

"The... city?" I tried to hide my surprise. I'd been expecting something like help with finding something, or boy trouble.

"You've been so gloomy lately, so I'm treating you!"

"I kind of have a right to be gloomy, Rikku," I muttered, looking away from her back down to my feet. The water was getting my long purple skirt wet, but I really didn't care much. It would keep my ankles cool.

"I know," Rikku's cheerful smile faded, and I felt guilt gnaw at my stomach, but it's not like that was anything new. I'd been feeling guilty since Tidus jumped. I immediately regretted confessing my feelings as soon as he embraced me. I shouldn't have told him as he was disappearing from existence.

Fine. Let Rikku be sad; let her share my pain. It's not like _I _ was ever going to laugh again. Everyone else should be sorry, like I was. No one deserved to be happy, not after what Tidus went through to help us.

"I don't want to go," I kept my eyes on the sea and away from my blonde friend. Rikku had decided to grow her hair long, and over the past three months, it had gotten really incredibly beautiful. I was considering getting something more practical to wear, like shorts instead of a dress. "Thank you, though." I added as an afterthought.

"Yuuuuuunaaaaaa," Rikku whined, the flash of sickening pity gone from her eyes. "I offer to treat you, and you turn me down cold!"

"Yes, because I don't want to go!" I snapped. "Please leave me alone,"

Rikku didn't say anything more. She turned and left, sand shaken loose by her footsteps pulled away by the wind.

I sighed heavily, remaining at the water for a while longer, watching the sun set on the horizon, and the birds call to each other as they soared over the blood-colored sky.

Standing, I brushed the sand from my purple skirt, picked up my boots, shoved the letter and pen within them, and returned to my cabin on the beach, the one that Wakka and Lulu had lent me for the time being.

It had a bed, two windows, a desk, and a bathroom. It was small, cozy, and plain, and I liked it. It was quiet on the beach, save for the movement of the water, and I found it very comforting.

In the past three months since Tidus died, I've felt empty, like a shell of what I used to be. My hands are always cold, and I can't focus on any one thing but him. His scent, which I have long forgotten and am struggling to recall, the feel of his hair against my cheek, how his strong arms held me at the spring. Our first, and last, kiss.

A cool wind whispers past me, and I shudder, realizing with a start that I haven't been living in the past few months. I've just been existed, simply being. I can't live without him beside me. I can't live without Tidus with me.

It would be best if I were dead.

Without consciously aware of it, I punched the wall so hard, it broke the wood and the skin, but I felt no pain.

Blood dripped from my torn knuckles to the floor, and I cursed, rummaging through a drawer in the desk with my good hand and pulling out a strip of bandage that I could use.

Damn. I think I broke a finger.

"Yuna," Lulu's calm voice came from my door as I bound my bloody hand, but I didn't acknowledge her. "Is everything alright?"

"I'm fine, Lulu," I snapped. Why won't anyone leave me alone?

"You're bleeding," she glided into the room and took my hand, which was very poorly wrapped, and adjusted the bandage for me.

"Thank you," I didn't look at her, and my thanks was muffled.

"I know your pain," she said softly, after a moment.

"No one knows my pain, Lulu. Especially you." I bit my lip, immediately wishing I had said nothing. Lulu had been in love with Wakka's younger brother, Chappu, who died a long time ago. She was still in pain when... when Tidus arrived, and was constantly reminding Wakka, who had seen Tidus as a little brother, that Tidus wasn't Chappu.

Well, people healed. I really shouldn't be saying this, but I caught Wakka and Lulu kissing a couple nights ago. They didn't see me.

Lulu said nothing, but her grip on my hand tightened ever so slightly. At that moment, I hated myself.

I hated myself for hurting Lulu.

I hated myself for being so immature.

But most of all, I hated myself for letting him go.

All of a sudden, I was sobbing uncontrollably in Lulu's open arms, trying against everything to keep the tears at bay.

Lulu was holding me and shushing me, and I cried myself out, clinging to her like she was my lifeline. And, in those long minutes when my eyes turned into waterfalls, she was.

I cried for a lot of things in that time. I cried because my hand hurt, I cried because my heart ached, and I cried because I realized I was hurting not just myself, but everyone close to me; everyone I loved.

I choked out a million apologies to Lulu, Wakka, Rikku, Kimahri, and Tidus, even though Lulu was the only one to hear them. I knew I had been helpless to keep Tidus from jumping, but guilt still shot through my stomach like a knife whenever his face floated through my mind. I understood that he knew what was going to happen if we destroyed Sin, and he killed Sin with us anyway.

Tidus was a hero.

A hero who saved countless lives.

Except he couldn't save his own.

I finally pulled away from Lulu when I got ahold of myself. She sat calmly with me, her neck soaked with my tears, as I regained control of my emotional response to anything.

"I'm sorry," I said for the umpteenth time. "I lost myself."

"No, Yuna." Lulu patted my back soothingly. "I think you found yourself." she stood and left the seaside cabin, gliding over the sand and away from sight.

I believed her.

I think I have found myself.

Since he died, I'd been carrying weights a thousand times heavier than Sin itself on my shoulders. Since I admitted, more to him than myself, that I loved him, I'd been sinking into a grave I couldn't climb out of. It was like I was a ship, at sea, that was full of little tiny holes, and was slowly descending into the dark unknown.

Since he died, in these past three months I have not smiled, cried, or showed really any emotion at all. I'd been hurting myself because I felt I deserved pain, but when I hurt myself, Lulu, Rikku, Wakka, and Kimahri flinched.

For the first time since Tidus died, the ghost of a smile flickered across my lips.

I was beginning to heal.

* * *

love it? hate it? let me knowwww! :*

xoxox

~Niri


End file.
